OUT in AC with a Brand-New Miss'd America

There's no better way to shake the winter blues than with a weekend getaway to Atlantic City. So when the snow is falling in the Big Apple or over Philly's South Side, hop on the train for a quick change of scenery, and enjoy a gamers' playground made just for adults, where countless diversions exist for your pleasure.

On Saturday, January 21, the diversion at hand was the Miss'd American 2011 Pageant, the annual bacchanalia of drag and stage performance that finds men in pantyhose and wigs vying for the crown, a cash prize, and the honor of representing as Miss'd America throughout the year.

"It was a fun weekend, and it was fun seeing the girls, and their hair was fabulous. There were so many Swarovski crystals, I'm blind in one eye," said celebrity judge Hedda Lettuce, who vowed to sell the commemorative wall plaque and the rest of the items in her gift bag on eBay.

Judges for this year's pageant included drag personalities Hedda Lettuce and Bianca Del Rio, journalists Michael Musto, Mark Segal of "Philadelphia Gay News", and Jeffrey Wilson of "Esquire," radio personality Diane Mitchell, and several TV personalities from "The A-List New York".

Emcee Carson Kressley (dream drag name: Lisa Newcar) brought 14 contestants to the stage to be judged in categories of swimsuit, talent, evening gown, and a judge's interview.

Miss'd America 2010 Kitty Hiccups gave her final performance, and she was in some good company.

Legendary singer Martha Wash thrilled by singing her signature hit, "It's Raining Men," complete with bursts of man-shaped confetti gleefully scooped up by the crowd.

"American Idol" star Erika Schiff also performed.

Crowd favorites quickly emerged from among the contestants. New York was well represented by Logan Hardcore, Brenda Dharling, Epiphany Get Paid, Bootsie LeFaris, Sabel Scities, and Dusty Winds.

And Atlantic City native Jason CoZmo got local cheers. But big-boned Southern girl Victoria "Pork Chop" Parker distinguished herself immediately as she strolled down the runway in her Miss Piggy swimsuit, a flattened Kermit stuck to the back.

The talent portion, which comprised 40 percent of the final score, also revealed some surprises. Tasha Salad started things off right with her portrayal of a scene from "Sordid Lives", featuring short stack Leslie Jordan as "Brother Boy."

Juliza Alezae employed complicated sets in her staging of scenes from "Mommie Dearest," mashed-up with snippets from Gnarls Barkley's "Crazy".

Chantel Reshae got laughs from her estimation of "Mulan" as the only lesbian Disney princess, but judges deemed it too reliant on the accompanying footage to be a winner.

And Shi-Queeta-Lee started off right with a cute parody of an aging rest-home-era Tina Turner singing, "Proud Mary", but judges confided to EDGE their disappointment that she didn't take the opportunity to throw aside her walker and dance wildly.

There were many thrillers, but some duds. To much chagrin, two separate contestants performed "All that Jazz;" many others hurled their gangly frames across the stage, rolling and catapulting around in a way that judges said they found "amateurish."

And they decried Gusty Winds "Bohemian Rhapsody" as beyond the pale, as she violated the drag queen prime directive by removing her wig during her performance.

The gaggle of queens was winnowed down to five semi-finalists, and after the judge's Q&A about how the winner would work to uphold the "tradition of excellence" that the pageant had established, Bootsie LeFaris was named second runner-up, Victoria "Pork Chop" Parker was first runner-up, and Sabel Scities of Sunnyside, New York, was named Miss'd America 2012.

"Pork Chop was robbed!" said judge Hedda Lettuce after the show. "In reality TV and pageants, they never pick the fat queen. They always put them in for shits and giggles, but they never pick them."

Hedda Lettuce said that Pork Chop's act (doing ASL to "The Rose") was polished, not just a bunch of splits, and not overdone like "Mommie Dearest."

But she accepted Sabel Scities as the winner, saying, "She got her start in the gay community one hand job at a time. That's the best a girl has to offer. At least she has a crown now."

Celebrity judge Michael Musto admitted he wasn't aware of Scities' previous work, never having seen her perform at Stonewall or other New York City bars. But he managed to be diplomatic in his praise.

"In the pageant competition, I found Sabel to be fresh and delightful, edgy and well-spoken. That's a pretty strong combo," said Musto. "She's both zany enough and serious enough to make a tip-top beauty queen. And Victoria Pork Chop Parker and Bootsie LeFaris are fabulous ladies in waiting!"

Ultimately, the event entertained thousands and raised much-needed funds for the Greater Atlantic City GLBT Alliance and the Schultz-Hill Scholarship Foundation, as well as many other charities. Since its inception, the pageant has donated more than $200,000 to local charities.

Harrah’s Treats You Like a VIP

Although some revelers stayed at Resorts, all who did cast an envious eye at those who sought accommodations at Harrah's at the Marina, where guests are treated as VIPs. Some enjoyed dinner at Dos Caminos, hosted by Edward Taylor, where they sampled some of the restaurant's hundreds of artisanal tequilas, and enjoyed classic Mexican cuisine.

On Saturday, lunch at McCormick & Schmick's provided fresh-caught seafood and 18-35 day wet-aged beefsteaks. Since 1970, the restaurant has taken pride in sourcing the freshest seafood available, printing their menu twice a day with specials to reflect it. Their "Big Chill" seafood plateau featured lump back fin blue crab, black tiger shrimp, clams, oysters, Maine lobster, and more. Their 4 oz. crab cakes are all lump, no breading -- the same crabmeat found stuffed in their 2.5 lb. Lobster Imperial.

A Lobster Cobb salad was toothsome, but the accompanying tarragon ranch dressing was cloying, and did little to enhance the fresh seafood. Firecracker shrimp were large and succulent, clams casino were as big as bread plates, and Chinese ginger wings were sweet and savory. Somewhat ironical for a seafood restaurant, guests declared the steak the best of all entrees.

While some guests tried their luck at the casino and others enjoyed the Miss'd America pre-party at the Loft at the Pool, others banked on increasing their culinary knowledge at Harrah's Viking Cooking School, near the Harrah's port-cochere.

Lead chefs instructed eager students -- many of whom were gay couples or New Jersey housewives searching to liven up their menus -- on how to butterfly a chicken cutlet, stuff it with fresh-cut herbs and Buffalo mozzarella, and fry it up to accompany al dente capellini with olive oil and herbs.

After an hour and a half of instruction, students took the final product to Viking's capacious dining table, and enjoyed it with a nice glass of wine. The meal was finished with delicious mocha semifreddo and chocolate almond gelato, with Coffee Cr�me Anglaise made by the students.

Visitors to Harrah's can stock up on kitchen supplies at Viking's first-rate store, and can register for cooking classes on a variety of menus including French, Thai, steakhouse, and celebratory dinners at vikingcookingschool.com

Guests enjoyed dinner at Mia in Caesar's, conveniently located near Boardwalk Hall, where the pageant was held. Chefs Chris Scarduzio and George Perrier served up delicious food and specialty cocktails like the Key Lime Martini, a tasty, lime-green cocktail edged with graham-cracker crumbles.

Appetizers included roasted beets with creamy burrata cheese and mache lettuce, Black Label prosciutto di Parma, charred Spanish octopus salad, and an artisanal cheese plate.

Entrees featured tasty pasta dishes like homemade cavatelli with pancetta, fresh tomato, and basil butter, and fresh spinach agnolotti. Other highlights included roasted breast of Muscovy duck with duck confit hash, parsnip puree, and rouennaise sauce, and savory lamb chops cooked to perfection.

Sated, we tottered across a frozen boardwalk to Historic Boardwalk Hall for the Miss'd America pageant. After winner Sabel Scities took her final bows, many of the guests headed over to Prohibition for the after party at the Pro Bar, where they reportedly stood cheek-to-jowl in such numbers that the esteemed judges could not even gain admittance.

Other guests headed back to Harrah's, where the Pool had been transformed into a nightclub pulsing with light and sound, and "Jersey Shore" cast member 'JWoww' was holding court.

The next morning, the motley revelers gathered for Harrah's Hangover Brunch, many the worse for wear. But all thoughts of surrender were put to rest with the start of Gay Bingo in the adjoining ballroom.

There, the oldest damned drag queens on the face of the earth slouched around in sagging pantyhose, drawing out Bingo balls and dishing participants for their mouthiness, their misguided fashion choices, and their hung-over state.

New York drag queen Bianca Del Rio emceed, and brought the crowd to tears with her laser-sharp putdowns. The event was one of the highlights of the weekend, delivering a much-needed comic relief.

After a quick bite at Harrah's casual eatery, Bill's Burgers, it was time to head back to Brooklyn. Weary, winded, but none the worse for wear, our weekend in Atlantic City once again proved that what happens in AC...well, fugheddaboudit!

For more info on Harrah's, visit http://www.harrahsresort.com